I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
it’s finally my moment to shine
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Deer are just ballerina dogs
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.