families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
You Might Also Like
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?