Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
TODAY
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.