The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*