bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
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His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend