7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
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Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.