On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’ve been drinking.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to