4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The smoothest fall of all time
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*