apparently this year was written by stephen king
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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Cinematography is my passion
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?