Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.