“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
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For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.