In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
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M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Are we there yet?…
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS