burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
🙄😏😂🤣
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
What personal space?
My dog
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Woke up with morning Yule Log
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed