saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I think I’ll stand
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When can I start eating bats again.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.