LMAO.
You Might Also Like
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time