Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
he was correct
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT