my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*