Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
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As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”