[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.