him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
an octopus is just a wet spider
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.