CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers