falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
mood
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.