ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
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Succinctly put.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sof铆a Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That鈥檚 enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It鈥檚 kids. I have kids.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they鈥檒l take off from airporks.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That鈥檚 Murray…He鈥檚 my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Jesus has returned! He鈥檚 in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it鈥檚 TOTALLY him.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 馃槈
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 馃槀
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
What鈥檚 the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don鈥檛 have a fish