Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.