It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”