Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
True.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”