BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*