Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
He a real one for that