My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
You Might Also Like
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.