my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it