I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.