My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
shut up and take my money
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation