“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”