Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.