My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
You Might Also Like
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Ummm
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother