*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
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When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”