I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
You Might Also Like
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?