Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
*puts words between two asterisks*
kids play hide and seek like
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
why I oughta
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Mornin
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?