quarantine day 3
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets