Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
thanks auntie mary
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys