step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.