[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.