[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
going to the ER y’all need anything
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.