I hope they boil the right one.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Life cycle of cat
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole