What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest