My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Catering service
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
opening twitter today
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”