And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
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Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Grandmother clock.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out