formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
You sure about that?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
This 4th of July, please remember…
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
starting a garage orchestra
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.