More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Animal poetry
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.