Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
You Might Also Like
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.